Sunday, June 5, 2011

Stalkerish Tendancies

All right, I’ve been depressed. So much so, I’ve seriously been contemplating suicide. Grandma’s in the hospital, soon to be going to a nursing home, I cant seem to do anything right in my own home, even though work seems to be going well enough. A few things have stuck in my head from my conversations with Aunt Diane, and one that I think I may try.
I’ve come to realize that I do truly hate myself, and I told her that. She told me that I should try yelling at myself in the mirror, to which I responded that I cant even look in the mirror to comb my hair, let alone yell at myself. But the idea still stuck in my head. I started thinking about myself in an ‘objective’ way. Then I thought ‘Why not write a letter to my selves?’ because I have come to realize that there are-were-is?- many different ascpects to myself that I can clearly name. Nikki, Nikka, Nicole, and Crystalina. Past, rebellion, present, and future. And then I thought about what I may write to each of them. (still havnt gotten past the ‘Dear’ part for most) and I figured since I havnt posted in my blog for forever, I’d share some of my thoughts. After all, its my blog right?

Each name represents a different part of me. Nikki is a carefree, child-like girl still trying to get mommy and daddy’s attention for more than a few seconds, running around in the grass barefoot or talking incessantly with anyone and everyone who would listen. Nikka is a darker side, whom doesn’t want to do anything but sit in her dark corner and read, or write. Nicole is my present self, trying very hard to understand herself and where she has come from and where she will be in the future. Crystalina is my future. She is confident in herself, her abilities, her appearance. She knows that no matter what everything will work out and that she just has to stay positive in who she is and what she wants. She does not shun the past like Nicole, but embraces it like a part of herself.

That’s kinda what I’m thinking, at least. Its just sort of an idea that I’ve been trying to toss around to try to help me achive something.

Work is going well, I’ve been ‘promoted’ for lack of a better word to a head nightstaff. I’m working with the only other person in the office that gives a rats ass about me and we are doing well. We’re getting everything done and still have time to do what we missed out during the time we had to try to get manifests out. While paychecks have yet to reflect the work we have done, we are hopeful.

On the crafter’s side, I can honestly say that I have not done much with my crochet. I’ve been trying (Gods have I been trying) but no profit seems to have come out of it. I think that I need to get rid of some of this ‘negativity’ before I can focus on it again.

If anyone has any suggestions as to what I can do to help myself (or anything they think that may help period) please let me know. I’m going to post this not only on my blog but also on my deviantART because I feel that those of you who are waiting to see the creations that are currently on my hook deserve to know what is getting in the way. (side note: the fox IS complete, I just need to get up the umph to get pictures taken to be posted)

1 comment:

  1. Oh no Nikka, I hope things start looking up for you. My heart sank a little when I read the begining of your post, I will keep you and your Grandma in my prayers. I really hope you feel better soon....and things take a turn for the better. And everyone should understand....crafting comes from the heart and our imagination...and if you are in a place right now where you need to take care of yourself....well that is the most important thing and comes first! Well wishes and much love sent your way xoxo